*To make this piece more entertaining, take a shot every time I mention the word “date”

So dates aren’t my forte. It’s not that I’m opposed to going on dates, it’s just that my first impression with someone on a date ends up less than favorable. After getting out of my last relationship, I found myself back on the dating scene, perplexed how to meet guys in the working field. It’s not just me who struggled meeting older partners, I had a conversation with a single 30 year old who re-affirmed that dating outside of school was difficult. The best meeting place was the bar scene, according to him. I instead tried Tinder. Four days later I found myself uninstalling the app. I wasn’t bombarded with lewd remarks or the stereotypical douchebag responses, I just sucked at messaging people. That and my sense of humor came across as morbid even though my biography stated, “Enjoys dark humor”.

I went on exactly two dates from Tinder. The first date was coffee, innocent enough. He was tall, dark, and handsome. Oh, and did I mention a pilot. After talking for a couple hours about our life ambitions, funny stories, and all that other basic crap, our night took a dark turn. As a rule of thumb, never bring up exes on the first date. I thought this was common knowledge and he seemed to have missed the memo. For about an hour I learned about his ex whom he loved that cheated on him. By the time he brought up their miscarriage that happened MONTHS previous, I was in tears. The night soon ended once he finished his story and I left depressed. When it comes to baggage, I have this saying. I like to bring a carry-on to the plane. When I have to wait at baggage claim for luggage, I’m out. Or at least wait until the third date.

Over a month later, I tried going on another Tinder date. I had a decent amount in common with the guy and rather than coffee, I ordered alcohol this time. Preparation is key. I was on edge at first as he discussed various authors, political views, and foreign cinema all the while using a larger than necessary vocabulary. What honestly got me past some of our conversations was his British accent, a side effect of growing up in Europe. The night was going pretty well and just as I warmed up to the idea of a second date, a kid ran by us. “Aww” was my response. He chuckled and commenced to tell me that he refers to children as “offspring”. Apparently he didn’t like children because they take away from people’s personal freedoms and he hated interacting with them. I don’t expect everyone to want children, but his rant was a bit much for me to handle with only one glass of wine.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’ve been on a couple of normal dates through people I met more “organically”, but those aren’t amusing stories. My last date fell under the category of the perfect fall day. Let’s be honest, me and a perfect day don’t exactly coincide. Now think about how you want to spend a lazy Sunday in October.** Most people fantasize cuddling indoors or walking through a cute village under vibrant colored leaves. Well mine was just that. YEAH, I actually had a great time. My date and I walked around German Village sipping coffee all the while visiting brunch spots and a cozy little book store. Down the road we also got to make our own autumn bouquet before settling down for more coffee. Jealous yet? Well remember that part where me and the perfect fall day don’t coincide?

Back at his place, I settled down and began reading one of his books left out. The book contained comics about the Heart versus the Brain and as I’m laughing I feel him tug on my hands. A bit startled, I attempted to turn around until he says, “Trust me” while grabbing my other hand. Over my shoulder I saw a pair of handcuffs and freaked out. One swift kick to his gut and I bolted up pissed. He started apologizing profusely thinking it would be funny to mess with me. I saw the flimsy cuffs and lost it. Even if we’ve been friends before, how the hell was that OK? Talk about missing the memo. Needless to say, after a long and stern talk – more so yelling session – it was made abundantly clear that he wouldn’t hear from me for a while.

I could’ve honestly built up that last experience better, but at the end of the day I’m tired of this topic. And from this I can draw the conclusion, Tinder can help some people while most people on it just need someone to talk to or numb the pain. I’m thinking next time I’ll have a screening process to eliminate any potential awkward conversations or idiotic attempts. Or just give up and surprise my parents with another cat because they just loved the first time I did that.

**One right swipe on Tinder asked me, “What is your ideal fall day and I’ll see where I fit in ;)” My response was equally cute with, “If I said genocide…?” And that was the end of our short lived conversation.