Daily thoughts that flood my mind. Whether jumbled or inconsistent, but my feelings none-of-the-less.
12/23/2020 A couple of weeks ago I decided to take an online workshop disguising itself as an artist’s retreat. I had been putting off the workshop seminars because I didn’t want the illusion to break that in reality I struggle to even write one sentence. The workshop consisted of several exercises and this is the first time in a long time I’ve attempted some form of poetry. The objective was to choose a haiku or poem as inspiration for our art. Throughout an allotted amount of time, more words or images were added to further inspire our pieces. Naturally I chose poetry and wove each line to intertwine with the words and images provided to us. I chose the haiku as my inspiration.
Winter well: A bucketful/ Of starlight
Snow falls down from the heavens,
Piling on the Earth’s floor.
Lying in wait it glistens,
Little stars in the night sky.
The moon illuminates Earth’s canvas,
Mimicking the stars above.
Trees tucked away for winter,
Nature sleeping until the last frost.
The riverbed lays silent,
No longer frothing at its bed.
Ice decorates the landscape,
Reflecting its muted silence.
As the snow begins to melt,
The last glimmer of starfall fades.
9/25/2020 A while back I jokingly made a drinking game on my Instagram story. And well… it was genius. Here’s how to play:
- Download Dating App
- Choose any gender preference
- Take shot when they mention/have…
- Liking Tacos
- Dog in profile
- Reference The Office
- Bonus point: They mention their “unique” travel story is getting drunk in a foreign country then got lost
5/31/2020 Over the past year I’ve saved up several of my more interesting encounters and conversations over the Hinge dating app. I’m sure other girls have faced more weird encounters, but here are some memorable moments. Enjoy!
Me Being a Butt
5/24/2020 I was listening to a podcast the other day and the host mentioned how in recent months, there has been “an explosion” of cam girls due to increasingly dire financial situations. She continued to mention the more number of cam girls means the less simp money to go around. This got me thinking, what is the tier in these related industries. My female friends and I would joke, “If I turn my morals down a notch, I would sell my dirty socks online.” Or after a bad exam score our last hopes would be, “Well, I could be a stripper if only I could dance.” As much as we joke, what is the tier system? Here I devised a list, in no particular order, of roles women joke about taking when college is not an option.
- Twitch streamer
- Instagram Influencer
- Sugar baby
- Sell socks online
- Sell dirty underwear online
- Sell feet pics
- OnlyFans account
- Cam Girl
- High-class escort
I haven’t heard anyone joke about going into porn or being a prostitute that wasn’t a high class escort. Now to break down the pros and cons of each item.
- Pros: Edit videos to hide mistakes, ad revenue, platform to find niche audience, more respect, algorithm advertises content on similar videos
- Cons: Weird censorship rules, time consuming to edit videos, not guaranteed fame or popularity, over saturated, corporate as the middle man
- Twitch streamer
- Pros: No editing means less effort, easy, platform for wide array of audience, women find ways to sexual themselves to gain male attention despite community guidelines
- Cons: Mistakes caught on camera, not guaranteed to amass following, not everyone subscribes, over saturated, middle-man being the streaming service
- Instagram Influencer
- Pros: Pictures can be taken and edited on phone, algorithm enables accessibility to wide array of audience, sex sells, one photo with ad can generate thousands with minimal work, edit flaws and mistakes, less investment on personality, little effort to take photo
- Cons: Mistakes can be caught, over saturated, algorithm changes frequently, looks are a must to be successful, difficult to find sponsors, reliant on app that may fail and be deleted at any moment
- Pros: Make $$$, build body strength typically from pole dancing, effort rewarded
- Cons: Not as safe in regards to privacy and potential physical harm, middle-man being pimp/club owner, effort required, no filter to mask looks, potential blackmail material
- Sugar baby
- Pros: Make money, potential gifts and rewards, apps to facilitate arrangement and meeting
- Cons: Prostitution – there is no way someone just gives you money for hanging out, arguably illegal, no privacy, potential blackmail material
- Sell socks online
- Pros: Socks are cheaper garments of clothing, no personal attachment, legal, little effort to wear and ship socks
- Cons: Buyer has your DNA, find clientele or customers for sock business may be hard at first, potential to become over saturated, ideally need pretty feet or incentive to gain clients to purchase your product
- Sell feet pics
- Pros: No face shown – ideally, customer can request or spend more for pedicure and such, pictures are relatively easy to take, surplus of product is easily made – product being the photos
- Cons: Potentially difficult to find client base, may need more than just feet pictures to entice clients to stay – feel connected through chat or request face pictures, need pretty feet
- OnlyFans account
- Pros: You can post what you are comfortable with, subscription based system can sustain through several months, can edit photos, everyone has a different type so attractiveness is subjective in this instance
- Cons: Subscribers will know who you are unless you opt out face, pictures can be easily leaked, less privacy – subscribers often purchase subscription with online personality or someone with another big platform, people will call your boyfriend a “simp”
- Cam Girl
- Pros: Can post what you are comfortable with, luxury to work in desired environment, charge higher rates depending on what you are willing to offer, attractiveness more subjective in this instance – ability to cater towards niche tastes
- Cons: Lack of privacy on who you are, over saturated especially in current times where competition is higher, difficult to find clients willing to purchase
- High-class escort
- Pros: $$$
- Cons: Illegal, potentially hazardous, increased likelihood for diseases, potential physical harm, blackmail, potential middleman required, no filter to mask looks
Next, to better compare each “profession” I made a comparison chart with 12 categories. Each profession will be rated against each category on a number system between 1 to 5. 1 is bad and 5 is great in relation to the category. The profession with the highest overall scores will then be listed. Number one being the ideal profession based on the highest total score. Got it? Got it. To make the playing field more even, each profession is going to be rated as if they were mid-range. Therefore, not starting out or professional, but those who have a somewhat steady source of clients, customers, subscribers, etc.
*In this chart, for skill/talent and amount of effort, I viewed the more skill necessary or the more talent required to be a bad component rather than a good one. My idea behind this is, if you have a back up profession you just want to make money towards, then the more skill or effort necessary would be less ideal.
The list is as follows:
- Instagram Influencer
- Sell feet pics
- Twitch streamer
- Sugar Baby
- Cam Girl
- High-class escort
Obviously there is ignorance on my part as well as bias when making the list and chart. However, this is my chart and it’s not like I can get a large group of women in all these professions to do a poll in a giant room together. Hope you enjoyed an hour of wasting time. I wish you luck in your future endeavors.
4/23/2020 At the beginning of quaran… I’m so sick of this word. At the beginning of this “not-so-voluntary” seclusion – is that better? – I thought there would be no better time to live my days like every lifestyle blogger documents. Mornings would start with lemon water, checking my emails, yoga/meditation, reading self-help books, then the gym. Lunch is a small affair of salad garnished with olive oil and self-loathing. Afternoons are for work and posting photos at high exposure on your social media; a slate of perfection. Don’t forget the caption: virtue signaling to your thousands of followers that you love them and are a great person for doing so. Your love and “relatability” is only limited to the numbers in the bank account. Oops, did I say that out-loud?
Four weeks in and the only accomplishment on my end has been my ever increasing collection of clay macaron animals and taking out unwanted trash from my apartment – that was a two week process. The only part of my routine that somewhat resembles the ‘Morning Routine’ vlogs is the amount of tea I have managed to consume on the daily. The right amount of tea provides enough caffeine for self-induced anxiety. Oh, and antioxidants!
The proper way to evaluate what level of trash I am, directly correlates with the number of episodes I’ve managed to binge watch of TV shows. Two weeks in, I managed to consume about 5 seasons of Supernatural. Those self-help books have nothing on Castiel and my imagination. What can I say, individualistic men with a strong moral value are my weakness. Too bad my imaginary boyfriends don’t manifest in my dating life.
Maybe tomorrow I’ll start my morning with warm lemon water and I’ll slowly personify the healthy lifestyle I see so often preached. I’m just one Lightroom preset away from being noticed in a throng of self-employed ‘influencers’ that morph into the same persona. At least that persona has a tasteful closet of clothing.
2/21/2020 So… 2020 has already been an interesting year. And now I’m going to discuss a very controversial topic, eugenics. Let’s start with the definition of eugenics
“the practice or advocacy of controlled selective breeding of human populations (as by sterilization) to improve the population’s genetic composition”
In the case of eugenics, selective breeding does not always entail sterilization as implied by this definition. Eugenics is controlled selective breeding that not only plays into human populations, but all around us. Dogs, cats, horses, roses. Selective breeding for desirable traits.
Before Galton coined this term, the concept of eugenics has been practiced for centuries. Weak or deformed babies would be put to death as you would a sick sheep or mad dog. Plato was all for the government controlling human reproduction. This is also the same guy that believes humans are mere shadows of the perfect being. A cookie cutter attempt at perfection. I digress.
During the mid- to late 1800’s Francis Galton, half-cousin of Charles Darwin built upon his ideas from Darwin’s Origin of Species. Galton believed that the mechanisms of natural selection that Darwin laid out, were potentially thwarted by human civilization. Humans protect the underprivileged and weak rather than allow the extinction of those who are weak. I would argue as civilization develops, hardships take less of a toll on the average person and therefore they have more resources to expend to those who need them. A humane silver lining.
The most interesting policies of eugenics are the two categories:
Positive eugenics – “increased reproduction of those seen to have advantageous hereditary traits”
Negative eugenics – “discouragement of reproduction by those with hereditary traits perceived as poor” Essentially sterilization and genocide are a negative eugenics policy. Obviously.
Eugenics is also similar to Social Darwinism in the sense that both ideologies claim intelligence to be hereditary. However eugenics pushes upon the principle active policies need to be in place to become a more “eugenic” state, whereas Social Darwinism is guided under the principle that the state will sort itself out. Sort itself out if no welfare policies are in place that is.
My opinion on Galton’s beliefs in genetic worth and eugenics? Disgusting. But now that I’ve given a mini-Wikipedia summary on Galton’s views on eugenics, let’s talk about the implementation in the 1900’s.
Alexander Graham Bell was an advocate for eugenics as he stated that deaf couples should not consummate because their children will also be deaf, Memoir upon the formation of a deaf variety of the human race. Then we have Charles Benedict Davenport who wrote The science of human improvement by better breeding. His racist and anti-immigration views on mating were supported by the Cold Spring Harbor Laboratory, their research supported by Theodore Roosevelt. Alexander and Charles were part of the eugenic scommittee formed by the Immigration Restriction League. The League to weed out “inferior races”.
Eugenic laws were in the United States in 1907 where a law was passed in Indiana for the involuntary sterilization of “conformed criminals, idiots, imbeciles and rapists.” Another law similar to this, signed by Woodrow Wilson, was in 1911 that mandated the forced sterilization of “the feeble-minded”. And let’s not forget the infamous case of Buck v. Bell in 1927 that allowed forced sterilization of the unfit “for the protection and health of the state’. Oh and guess what state had the most sterilizations? California. The epicenter of Wokeness and socialist ideals swimming in a cesspool of drug needles and feces. But I’m about a century ahead of myself here.
With the rising ideology of eugenics came Margaret Sanger, founder of Planned Parenthood. Sanger, a celebrated “feminist” icon for advocating on women’s reproductive rights. I am not against women having access to free birth control. I’m not against women’s freedom to their own reproductive rights. I am against Margaret Sanger’s ideology on eugenics and what she posed. Let’s look at her speech, My Way To Peace.
*I emphasized the important passages in bold so you don’t have to read the whole article to get the point.
MY WAY TO PEACE
Science has been applied to the various channels of life’s needs especially to our environment. Industry, commerce, education, hygiene, surgery, agriculture, dairy, factory, mining and even war have had the benefits of the best that science could command; but it has not yet been applied to improving the quality of life itself nor to the maintenance of PEACE.
MY WAY TO PEACE would be First, to put into action the fourteen points of President Wilson’s, upon which Germany and Austria surrendered to the Allies. Second, to have Congress set up a special department for the study of population problems, and appoint a Parliament of Population Directors representing the various branches of science.
This body to direct and control the population through Birth rates and immigration, and direct its distribution over the country according to national needs consistent with the taste, fitness and interest of the individuals.
The main objects of the Population Congress would be:
(a) to raise the level and increase the general intelligence of our population.
(b) to increase the population slowly by keeping the birth rate at its present level of fifteen, decreasing the death rate below its present mark of 11.
(c) keep the doors of Immigration closed to the entrance of certain aliens whose condition is known to be detrimental to the stamina of the race, such as feeble-minded, idiots, morons, insane, syphilitic, epileptic, criminal, professional prostitutes, and others in this class barred from entrance by the Immigration Laws of 1924.
(d) apply a stern and rigid policy of sterilization, and segregation to that grade of population whose progeny is already tainted or whose inheritance is such that objectionable traits may be transmitted to offspring.
(e) to insure the country against future burdens of maintenance for numerous offspring as may be born of feeble-minded parents, the government would pension all persons with transmissible disease who voluntarily consent to sterilization.
(f) the whole dysgenic population would have its choice of segregation or sterilization.
(g) there would be farm lands and homesteads where these segregated persons would be taught to work under competent instructors for the period of their entire lives.
The first step would thus be to control the intake and output on morons, mental defectives, epileptics.
The second step would be to take an inventory of the secondary group such as illiterates, paupers, unemployables, criminals, prostitutes, dope-fiends; classify them in special departments under government medical protection and segregate on farms and open spaces as long as necessary for the strengthening and development of moral conduct.
Having coralled this enormous part of our population and placed it on a basis of health not punishment, it is safe to say that about fifteen or twenty millions of our population would then be organized into soldiers of defense–defending the unborn against their own disabilities.
The third step would be to give special attention to the mothers’ health, to see that women who are suffering from tuberculosis, heart or kidney disease, toxis goitre, gonorrhea, or any disease where the condition of pregnancy disturbs her health; place these mothers under public health nurses to instruct them in practical scientific methods of contraception in order to safeguard their lives–thus reducing maternal mortality.
There would be a careful follow-up in the homes where infants have died, to ascertain the causes and to prevent when possible the further increase of children until the causes have been removed–reducing infant mortality.
While the above steps seem to be emphasis on a health program instead of on tariffs, moratoriums and debts, I believe that national health is the first essential factor in any program for universal peace.
With the future citizens safeguarded from hereditary taints, with five million mental and moral degenerates segregated, with ten million women and ten million children receiving adequate attention, we could then turn our attention to the basic needs for international peace.
There would then be a definite inexorable ruling that the population should increase slowly at a specified rate, in order to accommodate and adjust the increasing numbers to our social and economic system.
The Birth Rate in the United States in 1931 was 15.0 and the death rate about 11, which allowed for a survival rate of 4%, or an increase in the population, including immigration, of over 20%.
Immigration: Open the gates of the U.S.A. to those countries whose inhabitants have the inherent talents and national characteristics desirable, eliminating entirely those countries whose subjects have already been difficult to assimilate.
This plan to be in operation for ten years. In the meantime we shall organize and join an International League of Low Birth Rate Nations to secure and maintain WORLD PEACE.
I emphasized the most disturbing parts of her speech. Sanger was a class A racist and classist that clearly was targeting a particular demographic and it BAFFLES me how people TO THIS DAY celebrate her. “She is misrepresented,” they say. I even saw AND I QUOTE someone defend Sanger attending a KKK event “Sanger’s appearance at the event was less about race and more about reaching as many people as possible.” Oh ok, Ms. Let’s-segregate-or-sterilize, wasn’t racist then. Totally makes sense.
Before I rant more about Sanger, the eugenics movement took a terrible turn during World War II. We all know what happens. At the end of the war, Nazi administrators attempted to justify their mass sterilizations by saying the United States was their inspiration. America was not impressed and who thought the idea of eugenics could’ve lead to millions of people dying?
Is eugenics seen in our society today? Absolutely. Sperm donors, positive eugenics. Abortion of abnormal or malformed fetuses soon to be infants. Sanger is celebrated at the National Women’s History Museum. Her narrative twisted. I am by no means saying I am against sperm donors, abortions, test tube babies, birth control, or anything else someone will try to spin out of this. I am merely pointing out the disgusting and hypocritical history America has played in the part of eugenics. We forget the inventor of the phone was a racist. We forget some female advocates were bitches. We forget history and re-write the narrative we want to hear.
“The world is over-populated.” A billboard in London reading, “Imagine a city less crowded, do your part get sterilized! Yay!” We push to segregate through identity politics and encourage less reproduction. We scorn racists and yet our ideology is built upon some of the worst. Acknowledge the past, don’t erase it. Accept the rights of all human life, not a select few. Or, just pick up a book once and a while.
11/8/2019 Wow. It’s been a month of me not ranting. Hehe, well let me talk about something people don’t like to hear. The March for Science is annoying. There, I said it. Every day I skim through hundreds of research articles, mainly focusing on biochemistry. Even in college, I had to read and analyze research articles every week to come to the conclusion, we know nothing. Life is not black and white, life is gray. The moment you accept this truth, things come a lot easier.
Every week there is an article trying to find links to cancer, therapies that may work, finding the root or solution to a cause. It’s not easy. There are so many factors that come into play with the human body and don’t even get me started on outside factors. Another thing is, most articles aren’t perfect. A population size of 100 people is very little to test a hypothesis on. Mathematical models of our environment are just that, a model. There is no way to incorporate every aspect of life that can play a factor. A decent amount of research struggles being replicated with the same results. Research is mainly replicating the same procedure and analyzing the results for variation.
So when a popular theory, yeah I said theory, is challenged, everyone loses their minds. “You’re stupid, you don’t know science!” they screech because you cast doubt on just that, A THEORY. Why does it matter if someone who is equally if not more well-versed opposes it? Because one of two things can happen. If someone opposes an idea, they can try to disprove it. In succeeding, they disprove the initial notion. In failure, it can reinforce the previous notion.
Let’s go back to The March for Science. I had to Google what the point of the march was because let’s be real, science is a broad topic. Here are the motivations I found listed on Wikipedia:
- Encouraging public officials to make policies based on scientific facts and evidence
- Opposing political attacks on the integrity of science
- Encouraging the public to support science
- Protesting cuts to funding for scientific research
- Celebrating the value of science and scientists to society
- Promoting science education and scientific literacy among the public
- Encouraging scientists to engage the public
- Encouraging diversity and inclusion in science
- To become more involved in politics or policy-making
Well, yeah. I don’t see people saying, “Fuck science, let’s reject any notion of scientific evidence.” The issue with this “non-partisan” march is that it is very left leaning. Which doesn’t make it bad, it’s just something to note as people are against the Trump administration. Don’t make a march that’s against the Trump administration then say it’s non-partisan. By all means, exhibit your Freedom of Speech, I’m all for that, but don’t be contradictory and expect people to be on board.
In these marches the agenda I see pushed is Global Warming. My main complaint with those advocating for “doing something” about Global Warming, is that they deny other scientists who have differing view points on the topic. The “deniers” as they are called, argue that the globe goes through warming and cooling periods. Others note we lack scientific data on past temperature trends to know if this is a cause for concern. There are a decent amount of people pointing out that the equation ‘Humans = CO2 increase = Global catastrophe’ may be a tad flawed. That doesn’t mean they don’t want more initiative for alternative solutions to better the Earth, they are just pointing out their own fact based evidence.
I see both sides of the argument and I also agree both sides have a point. This makes me an idiot apparently. I say if we are pushing policies and research, we should also emphasize the opposing viewpoints and promote healthy discussions. Is that the case? Oh no. The “you’re either with us or against us” mentality is draining. Life is too gray for absolutes and to turn against each other. If I’m going to be really honest, you don’t have to be that smart to be a scientist or quite frankly someone in the STEM field. I’m pretty stupid and I somehow passed a tough curriculum. (A decent amount of scientists hate on engineers and it’s really stupid because engineers take a science heavy curriculum, the difference is one knows more math than the other).
At the end of the day if “marching” saying you love science makes you feel good inside, go for it. If you want change, maybe be very specific on your expectations and be less cult-like. But the best way to gain respect is to acknowledge and listen to all opposing views rather than discarding people as “too stupid”. You’re environmental science degree doesn’t make you a certified genius, it just tells me you like looking at dirt.
9/27/2019 When people ask me, “Do you think you’re special?” Of course. As a millennial, I’m entitled to that.
In our postmodern society we scorn the traditional and find innovative ways to call ourselves snowflakes. Dying our hair flamboyant colors is no longer a rhetoric to persuade those otherwise. Now is the time for social media – a megaphone for even those on the lower end of the IQ spectrum – to sway a narrative that not only are we different, but we are innately good people. Virtue signaling is now our narrative. “We must raise awareness to the Amazon rainforests!” we comment on our Instagram story while waiting for Starbucks after an hour session of yoga. Did you really volunteer if you didn’t post about it? There’s raising awareness to a cause then there’s raising awareness that you’re “a good person”.
Jordan Peterson brought up an excellent point on the topic of ‘Virtue Signaling’, after all, our generation is a conglomerate of self-appraisal and selfies. Jordan Peterson was invited to talk at Harvard University about the the use of compassion as a mask for the advance of the profoundly anti-western postmodern and neomarxist doctrines. My digression on this interview is focused on more of the ethics we are governing.
Jordan starts off with a verse from the New Testament. Matthew 6:5:
“When you pray, you shall not be as the hypocrites, for they love to stand and pray in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen by men. Most certainly, I tell you, they have received their reward.”
The premise of this quote, as Jordan describes, “If you’re going to commune for the higher good, you should do it in private. Because, if not, you’re working your ethic by showing how virtuous you are to the world.” Your only reward will be the adulation of others, a rather empty life to live if that is your sole purpose.
The activist ethos is merely a superficial trend that is too easy and externalizes the blames that evil is always elsewhere. But, as Jordan continues, “the evil is you, because you are not everything you could be.”
So what am I trying to get at? My social media is diluted with photos and posts about all the horrible things going on in the world. “We Americans are to blame” All tribal instincts to protect our own is up in flames as we separate ourselves among issues we have little to no control over. Rather than blame everyone else for the world’s problem, try doing things, “…in the confines of your own life that are private and humble that would constitute genuine accomplishments.” Focus on yourself. Mend personal relationships. Continue building knowledge on areas you are weak. Those who are able to succeed and lead are successful in their own lives and made themselves credible in various dimensions.
Instead of merely making a post or demanding others to change, self-reflect. I see friends virtue signaling to others when they can’t even remain faithful to a lover. “Take down capitalism!” they scream while purchasing a Hydroflask. Surely there are cheaper ways to consume water. Stop succumbing to your narcissism and seeking praise from others. Try working on your own personal relationships. You can do good things for the environment or others without the world knowing. Once you alert everyone, your “good deed” loses it’s moral value.
9/23/2019 I need to read “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck”. I was listening to a Youtuber digress on the book, listing out bullet points of the top lessons she learned while reading it. My favorite lesson is “Commitment = Freedom”. The pursuit of more made the author feel less versus committing to one thing. Another lesson I loved was “Measure Success with your own values”. Let’s break these down.
Both of these lessons go hand in hand and I often see the people around me are dissatisfied or unhappy because at the end of the day they are constantly pursuing more. Just last night Chris and I discussed how men going in to college have the grass-is-greener-on-the-other side approach. More women, more opportunities to explore, more parties, etc. Relationships will often end as the pursuit for other potential “partners” give the illusion of more freedom and sticking with one person equates to no freedom. “Monogamy?” they scorn while most nights become meaningless and connections are lost. Now, I’m not saying all men go through this, certainly women enjoy the prospect of more options. Our generation has social media in our pockets where bloggers and influencers are traveling the world. The more countries they’ve visited has meant more success and happiness to the viewer. But that’s not the case. I’ve found happiness in my life through commitment. I enjoy sticking with one partner who I’ve grown to cherish. I continue to play the cello as I relish in a hobby I was once passionate about years before college. Through commitment in what I do, I learn to appreciate how far I’ve grown.
“Measure Success with your own values” My main source of unhappiness has been my success, or lack thereof. In college, I felt one step behind. I never took AP Chemistry, Calculus or Physics and the courses were a new concept to me. I struggled to maintain a high GPA and decided to go into Biological Engineering rather than Biomedical Engineering. I believed I was a failure since my GPA was less than a 3.5 and I couldn’t apply to a major that I had worked so hard to be in. I had no internships or co-ops, not even research to pass the time. Everyone around me was intelligent and well-rounded, I, paling in comparison. I stood no chance.
This was a three year rut. I sat in the trenches, a stalemate between my negativity and success. Towards the end of my junior year and into my senior year, I raised the white flag. I was done letting my negativity consume me. I decided that it was time to take my own path and go by my own timeline. With the encouragement from the people around me I began modeling. I took school more seriously and would actually study and participate in the labs. I emailed dozens of professors asking for a research position. I worked at the Career Services office to better hone in on what would make me desirable in a work place. All of these were small increments to my success and how I ended up where I am now. Granted, there were bumps along the way, but I stopped comparing my timeline to others and did what I wanted. I managed to get a good job with a lower-than-I’d-like GPA and no internships because I pursued other passions that provided me with transferable skills. Who knew being Editor-in-Chief of a fashion magazine would make me stand out so much for STEM field applications.
To end this topic, I’m going to talk about an individual I know who ignored these two life lessons and ended up fairly miserable for a while. I grew close to a friend who I really admired. They were intelligent and succeeded in their major. Had a growing list of bullet points to add to their resume. They were also talented at dancing and had a wide circle of friends. As I grew close to them, I saw their biggest flaw was that they simply were not happy with what they had. No amount of meditation or self-helping books could penetrate the layers of unhappiness they allowed to consume them. They wanted the success of others. They always wanted more, whether it be materialistic or women. They would openly admit to comparing their significant other to the women around them, seeing if they could find better. What happened to this person? They let these thoughts consume them and grew steadily unhappy to a point where therapy was inconsolable. The admiration I felt turned to pity. I do not know the ending to their story, but I do know if they just stopped giving a fuck about everyone else around them, they would’ve been a happier person.
9/20/2019 How do kids do it? When I was in my early teens I could spin a story from anything presented to me. My favorite included a story of a rubber raccoon torn on his decision to purchase a polyester suit. Random? Agree, but this tale was formed from an on-going joke between my dad and I. At a younger age the snow on the porch would become a mold for my cake shop. I would form rectangular blocks of snow before serving my delicacy to the family dog who eagerly consumed my ice filled pastry. Summer months the herb garden became my supply for herbal tea concoctions. Or poisons depending on my mood that day.
These days I can’t find that inspiration or creativity. There is no originality. Originality is arguably non-existent as every concept derives from a combination of our present reality. Unicorns derive from horses and the horn of a narwhal. All creative work in this instance comes from before. Even Pablo Picasso agreed, “Art is Theft”. But why is it with almost everything a Google search away, I struggle to come up with ideas for a book. I can’t even finish a short horror story. My Instagram is stagnant with photos of nothing remarkable. I’m at a stand still.
It also doesn’t help when someone reads my blog posts and asks what my favorite style of writing is. I comment, “I like writing essays a lot” to which they respond, “Maybe you should stick to writing essays”. It’s fine. Sure that was not constructive criticism, but I’ll make note of that. Going to jot that down and keep it in mind while I pretend to not give a fuck. Just in my jar of “Petty Thoughts that Plague Me from People Who Aren’t Even in My Life”. PTTPMFPWAEIML for short.
9/17/2019 You’re welcome.
9/4/2019 The other day someone commented I embellish my stories too much. Sadly, they are not embellished as much as toned down for self preservation. So there’s that. The real topic I need to rant about is freaking flies. Flies belong in a special place in hell. But Terra, we need flies, they are important for other creatures to eat and blah blah blah. Look. If flies didn’t exist, spiders and birds would probably be eating something else and the circle of life goes on.
My abhorrence towards flies began four years ago. I was traveling between Columbus and Cincinnati often, a gray travel bag as my companion. One day while at my parents’ house in Cincinnati, a fly appeared in my room. A possible stowaway in my carry-on, my parents hypothesized. A couple hours later, it multiplied.
When God summoned a locust plague on Egypt, at least God had the decency of forewarning them. The following days I was at wits end with incessant buzzing. With one fly, the occasional buzzing was tolerable. By night 2, I was awoken to the sound of nature. Inside my room. Constant buzzing. I slept on the couch that night.
My only form of self defense was a orange fly swatter, stained brown from years of massacre. I was determined to stand my ground and fight for my country, I mean room. Within minutes, I was wary chasing around four flies and succumbed to sleeping on the couch yet again. Who was I to take down their civilization slowly being built in my room. (My French ancestry has me prone to raising the white flag)
Day 3 I walked in to my bedroom and I felt it. The snap. Grabbing the nearest tissue box, I lunged after each fly. By this time there were at least 20 flies and all 20 were brought down with by the Hammer of Justice. Or less metaphorically, a half empty tissue box – one would say I’m a pessimist. Their tyranny was over. Smeared bodies pressed up against the window panes. Carcasses with twitching wings lie on the ground. Only I remained, discarding the tissue box, I walked downstairs.
So yea, you can say flies piss me off and I can’t stand the sound of buzzing. Fruit flies now have become my new victims. I just wanted to have some plums sitting out, next thing I know it was an open invitation to become a breeding ground.
Long Live the Battle of 2016.
8/29/2019 The Pursuit of Perfection
As I was pondering about my next blog post on insecurities, I stumbled across a research article digressing on Body Dysmorphia Disorder and Dissonance. This musing will not be about that, but for years I’ve always wondered, why are humans obsessed with the pursuit of perfection. Everyone has slight OCD tendencies, which is common, and yet fail to realize nothing is perfect.
Plato has this philosophy – no shit – about the perfect being. Now, from what I understood after being forced to read Sophie’s World, everything is a cookie cutter version of the perfect being. Study.com does a better job of describing this:
“Plato’s Theory of Forms asserts that the physical realm is only a shadow, or image, of the true reality of the Realm of Forms. So what are these Forms, according to Plato? The Forms are abstract, perfect, unchanging concepts or ideals that transcend time and space; they exist in the Realm of Forms.”
Over eight years ago, I wrote an essay saying that Plato’s theory was a load of bull. Why is that? Well think about it like this. What would the perfect horse look like? To a farmer the perfect horse would be stockier to pull heavy loads. The perfect racing horse would be leaner. How do you define perfection when different traits of the same species is required for different tasks? I disagree that there are forms in the Realm of Forms where we are mere shadows.
But the Golden Ratio, people cry! What about it? A mathematical ratio doesn’t define perfection in all aspects, especially in beauty standards. I saw that Amber Heard supposedly had the most beautiful face in Hollywood followed by Kim Kardashian and Kate Moss. This fact surprised me, given that none of these women stood out to me before. I found an article that helps explain the Golden Ratio in nature and how it doesn’t prove beauty in humans:
The pursuit for perfection does not solely focus on beauty standards, however. The strive for perfection is found in all aspects of life. Mel Schwartz in Pshycology Today has the perfect reason as to why this concept plagues people:
“I’ve come to see that their pursuit of perfection is really a disguise for their insecurity. It becomes a statement that I’m not good enough just as I am. When we do that, we judge ourselves.”
“Usually, we strive toward being perfect to compensate for a sense of inadequacy. People who want to be perfect usually have an exaggerated sense of their own shortcomings. They typically received messages earlier in life that they weren’t good enough. So they decided that only by being perfect would they be beyond reproach. Perfectionists tend to think that other people are somehow better or superior to them, so they need to be without flaw just to catch up. This is a terribly damaging myth.”
I don’t think there is an exact solution to how to avoid this constant pursuit that leads to unhappiness. I’m hoping to apply this concept, though, to my next blog post as I went from insecure and messy to an insecure perfectionist.
8/16/2019 A couple of weeks ago, I ranted to someone about how I think our lives are too easy and this thought continually plagues my mind as I skim through research articles about psychological health while at work. Here, I will ramble about this thought and how I believe it shapes our society. Because why not.
When I was in eighth grade, I went through a phase of reading Chris Wooding novels. Each book had such a unique twist and ending along with a dark undertone that I, to this day, occasionally think about some of his stories. The Storm Thief, in particular, stood out to me. Why is that? Well, SPOILER, but the novel is essentially about a city on this island with no escape. Every so often, a “storm” will appear where a yellow fog casts over the island and causes random things to occur. Some people can lose limbs, become ill, or in minor cases, their eye shadow color can change. No one knows what causes the storm, but at the end of the novel you learn that the city was built as a Utopia. Everything was perfect and the inhabitants led dull lives because they had no problems. That’s when this device was created. The device would create these storms to trouble the occupants so their Utopia became a Dystopia. A life without trouble was no life at all.
Think about it! People became so bored that they created a machine to make their lives miserable. Crazy, right? Well actually… it sounds about right. Throughout history man-kind fought for survival. In my opinion, the industrial revolution was one of the greatest impacts on man-kind as we invented and created new ways to make our lives easier. In less than 300 years later, we now have smartphones, explored the Moon, can see actual images of outer space. How crazy is that?! Even though our technology evolved, did we?
In my personal opinion, I don’t think the human brain evolved fast enough. I don’t think our life was meant to be luxurious. Humans thrive on chaos as we are born with the innate instinct to survive. Fight or flight. Hunt or be hunted. Etcetera. In a first world country, everything is given to us. We create some of our own problems, I dare say, we choose to make some of our own problems. We thrive off of drama and others’ dilemmas as we go about our day to day with mundane tasks.
We’ve all heard the saying, weak times breed weak men. I truly believe men and all humans were meant to struggle and fight for survival. Call me crazy, but I believe our society is too accessible and many lack a genuine struggle. I’d also argue that maybe humans were more focused on staying alive and not getting eaten by predators or dying from the plague that they didn’t have as much time to self-reflect. Sitting in silence can be punishing as one’s mind is left to venture whether it be an existential crisis or over-thinking. I believe those thoughts alone inspired the song “Car Radio”.
I ponder of something great
My lungs will fill and then deflate
They fill with fire, exhale desire
I know it’s dire my time today
I have these thoughts, so often I ought
To replace that slot with what I once bought
‘Cause somebody stole my car radio
And now I just sit in silence
Sometimes quiet is violent
I find it hard to hide it
My pride is no longer inside
It’s on my sleeve
My skin will scream reminding me of
Who I killed inside my dream
I hate this car that I’m driving
There’s no hiding for me
I’m forced to deal with what I feel
There is no distraction to mask what is real
I could pull the steering wheel
-Twenty One Pilots
Another dystopian novel I encourage reading is the Canticle of Leibowitz. A society starting from scratch is built upon a monastic order, Albertian Order of Leibowitz. I won’t spoil this book, however, I find it interesting that humans build a world from scratch a world they previously destroyed.
On that bright note, have a great Friday!
*When I say, “many lack a genuine struggle” I get a lot of crap for this comment. I am not undermining people’s struggles, I am comparing our current generation to how things were in the past. With modern medicine and technology, our lives are relatively easy in comparison.
8/14/2019 I’m revived! The Musings page is back on. Has much changed in life? Meh… Poor decisions, long hours in the office, a bottle of Cabernet at night before crying silently in the shower to avoid waking up the neighbors. I’M KIDDING. I actually needed take a breather as I started my new job and moved to another apartment. I also took down this page for a bit because I HATE when people think by reading my blog they automatically assume I’m sad or that they know so much. Reminder: I type whatever story I want. I can easily manipulate the story in my favor. That being said, my next post will be about my affair with Shawn Mendes and why Camilla Cabello hates me.
5/31/2019 I’m going to Las Vegas today and all week I have been dreading one thing, shoes. I am notorious for having incredibly sensitive feet. Heels, flats, flip flops, tennis shoes, anything can give me blisters and impair me for the better part of the night. A year ago I wore a pair of low heeled shoes and ended up covered in blisters and had to bandage my entire foot. I looked to Pinterest for ideas and found some uh… interesting feedback.
- Tape the 3rd and 4th toes on each foot together before wearing closed-toed heels for better balance
- Use panty liners in your shoes to absorb sweat
- Use K-Y Jelly to prevent chafing
Let me stop this list right here to say, can you imagine buying those three supplies at a store casually. Panty liner, K-Y lubricant, and tape. Make the cashier think a bit about your life choices at that moment.
- Soak your blistered feet in black tea to reduce infection
- Spray your feet with hairspray to avoid slipping
- Apply deodorant to your heels and sides of feet to prevent blisters
I would love to meet the person coming up with these ideas. Also if my boyfriend watched me apply deodorant to my feet and tape together my toes before leaving for work, then coming home to soak my feet in black tea… AND DECIDED TO STAY WITH ME AFTER THAT I’d question him. I would suspect my boyfriend, at that point, had some really low standards to stick around. My solution is wear comfortable shoes, but what would I know. I get bruised in flip flops.
*Disclaimer: This is dark humor. People fail to recognize this.
Being an adult sucks. I’m only 23 and I’m pretty exhausted from life. Statistically I have like like 40+ years left assuming no accidents occur. There’s no pause or reset button so life’s remote sucks. I want a remote so I can pause once a day to just nap. I suggested getting a nap room at work but that idea went out the window. Here I am promoting healthy ideas for the workplace so instead of eating away the pain of existence with the unnecessary amounts of sweets brought in, we just sleep it off. Now we are all just tired with snug pants. I’m EXHAUSTED today so read this pessimism with a humorous undertone because I’m generally in a good mood, but this lack of nap thing is getting to me.
Adulting thus far:
- Jobs – If you’re a contractor, you already know the pain. No paid holidays or vacations. No health benefits, and you’re disposable to the company. The job search is bleak. Either technician level work for High School graduates/Associate Degrees OR a full time position that’s entry level requiring a Bachelor’s and at least three years of experience. WTF. If you’re lucky you get a full time position, hope you love your career because that’ll be a part of you for 40+ years.
- Do not show negative emotions – Bottle those feelings up. No one lets you have a temper tantrum. Drinking is never an ideal alternative, just wait until no one is around and silently cry. In the shower. No one can see the tears.
- Credit score – Still trying to figure out why I need a high credit score. Don’t let it go down like your grades did in college. You already disappointed your parents once.
- Health and Hangovers – Remember the days you ate like shit and could drink an excessive amount? Hangovers only lasted half a day, the following day you were back on your feet ready to drink again. Now, you have to care about what you eat. High cholesterol and diabetes can be in your family tree. Oh and those shots you had last night? A two day hangover. Sometimes you’ll lose the ability to even drink, shout out to my Asians. One glass of wine and you can be throwing up in someone’s yard.
- The fear of dying alone – This one was suggested by a co-worker. I get it. Everyone around you is getting engaged, married, pregnant, blah blah blah. It’s even more grim knowing the wife once cheated on her spouse several times. Or you can figure out if the divorce rate is 50% who that 50% is in your group of friends/colleagues. Being single not only stresses you out but you’re family. You felt fine until you realized your eggs have a shelf life.
5/16/2019 I think it’s time I opened up. I have a major problem. I, Terra, love lists. I was just thinking about another list I’d like to make when I realized, I’ve made several entries that were list related. It’s un-healthy. I have a monthly goals list, a list of tasks for every day, a list of tasks at work, a list for shopping, lists upon lists upon lists. One time my ex/current boyfriend (complicated?) told me to make a list of things we can discuss that we were having issues with. I made a bullet point list of 11 things I had in mind. He did not make a physical list and had two things he wanted to discuss. When did I become so Type A? I have half a mind to re-do my Musings and call it “Terra’s Lists”. Shoot, I now forgot what today’s list was going to be… Will update shortly.
Update: I remember.
THE STEREOTYPES PLAGUING SOCIAL MEDIA
- “I like to hike, I play the guitar, and I love dogs” Holy crap, so many guys try to brag about liking to hike and playing some relatively easy string instrument. I can’t even pretend to find any of this impressive. Maybe learn another instrument. Like the cello or I’d be really impressed with the harp. And no, hiking will not get rid of the beer gut or lack of personality. I’m sure your dog will compensate for the lack of affection you’re receiving from women.
- A perfectly filtered pastel and light colored Instagram. I get it. You were a part of Thi Mega Tampon in college. Paying to be surrounded by friends just like you has upped your follower count. You are now ready to be the Fashion Blogger you were destined to be. If it’s not a fashion post, it’s curated photos of friends, candidly laughing with a dazzling white smile. What is your form of validation when Instagram dies?
- You love anime. You didn’t feel accepted by the norm and veered off into the realm of anime. Fluffy tails and Hot Topic is your identity now. “I’m so kawaii :3”. As a self identified otaku, it is your mission to go to every anime convention and prove you know more Japanese than your peers. If you’re not looking for your waifu, you’re looking online to order your next body pillow. Sayori from Nekopara or Yoko Littner you ask yourself.
- “I workout like 8 days a week.” If injecting Blue Raspberry pre-workout was possible, you would. Working out is healthy and should be encouraged, but it’s all about limits. My personal limit is hearing about other guys at the gym or how much someone can bench for the umpteenth time. Yes, I’m aware that you had a protein shake 10 minutes ago. Your Instagram and Snapchat story are the same image of your Blender Bottle.
5/3/2019 – I’m fine. Totally fine. Sure I’m sitting here covered in cat piss. But I’m fine. It’s funny how one week ago I felt things were fitting in to place. Lol. In just one week you get more job rejections. In one week you get in two major fights. In one week you manage to gain weight while eating significantly less as coffee is your main sustenance. And through it all, you think, I’m ok. Sure you’re napping more, it’s normal. After one 2.5 hour car ride with a cat that managed to shit in their cage, then get piss all over you, you realize, man it’s not just this week but I’ve been tired for a while. But you know what’s great about that? You can take a day to sleep. Pop some melatonin. Turn everything off. Probably shower because cat pee smells. And try again tomorrow.
5/1/2019 – Just some random life lessons I tell people.
My Rules of Life:
- Always wear nice underwear – This should be obvious. You never know when your life will unexpectedly come to an end and let’s just say the coroner does not need to see holes in your underwear. Get your shit together. Or in a more realistic scenario, you may be in chemistry class and spill a chemical on your pants. Having to quickly strip and go to the safety shower in front of the whole class would be scarring in your worst panties.
- Tone your butt – So when you’re wearing a thong and showering in front of your chemistry class because you spilled a chemical on you, your butt will be a decent view to make up for the gut wrenching embarrassment.
- Don’t be afraid to make enemies, it means you stood for something – Would you rather be colorless and unremarkable or be that ass that stood for something against the grain of sheep minded individuals who only listen to one news source (trying not to go on a political rant)
- Never get a haircut after a breakup – Potentially making yourself uglier does not make them want you back.
- Always improve diet and workout after a break up – The endorphins will block out your ex’s evil looks as you laugh with that cute boy you’ve had your eye on.
- Don’t call someone crazy – “My ex was crazy” That statement lets me know you caused them to go crazy. Maybe they went “crazy” because you lied and cheated on them.
- Have a signature scent – The scent that lingers when you’re gone and marks your territory
- Eyebrows say a lot about a person – ‘Nuff said.
- Don’t be scared to have an opinion – Colorless people end up lonely. Subtly targeting this at some people
- Karma is a major bitch – Remember that girl who bullied you and made you hate your life in sixth grade by turning your friends against you? Getting knocked up with a low paying job is karma too.
- You never truly fail unless you give up – I have never failed a test under this definition.
- Never trust someone who has never failed, you won’t know how they react when they do
- Don’t talk to crazy – I think the actual saying is “Don’t put your dick in crazy” but we like to be PG-13 here.
4/24/2019 So… it’s been a couple months since I wrote the Disappearing Act and I still get comments from readers. I was recently asked if I’m mentally stable now to which I responded, “When was I ever?” To answer most questions, yes I’m fine. Actually more than fine, I’ve been really content for a while and I’ve been so swamped with work and after-work activities that I’m back on coffee. I know, I know, I promise I can quit anytime. I swear. And moving past this awkward update, I finally have a Social Media intern I’ve been working with and am launching a new website soon! In a month’s time a new Instagram fashion page and website page will be added again. – Yes, this is an update, not a Musing, but whatever.
4/4/2019 I’m scarred. Yesterday I was having a conversation with my co-workers and learned something horrifying. My ENTIRE life I thought certain breeds of dogs didn’t have tails for medical related reasons. I thought the tail was too long for their body or it was a balance thing. Not a “humans care about aesthetic and encourage mutilation” sort of thing. Oh and the ears that stick straight up? That’s mutilation. Not some weird genetic mutation. Me and my dumbass did not comprehend that people just thought dogs looked better without a tail. With everyone going vegan and caring about the Earth and creatures on this Earth, I didn’t think this behavior would continue. But it does. If a dog is a pure bred (inbred and overpriced) and mutilated, it’s deemed more attractive and people want that. Screw the Earth and living creatures, the dog better be Instagram worthy.
3/7/2019 Over a year ago I met a guy at a bonfire who told me how he caught on fire five times. A riveting story I would never forget because it’s not often you meet people who have a knack for catching on fire. Though, if you meet them at a bonfire, my best advice would be to sit at an appropriate distance. Recently I messaged a guy on Tinder who was certain he had seen me from somewhere. A few exchanges led us to nothing, no similar classes, maybe we just passed by each other on OSU campus? His long hair and beard triggered a memory and I asked…
Me: Weird question, did you catch on fire 5 times?
Him: Yeah definitely weird question but how’d you know?!? Well more like 4 1/2 times
Me: We’ve met!! A while back at a bonfire! I remember the hair and beard!
Him: I don’t think so, I don’t remember being at a bonfire and I definitely would’ve remembered meeting you
Me: Did you not catch on fire during a Native American ceremony? I never thought I’d have this conversation with anyone
Him: Lol nope that wasn’t me. Caught myself on fire a few times but never at a Native American ceremony. I never thought anyone would ever ask that either. Firsts for both of us lol
Our conversation dwindled from there and all I can think about is, is it that easy to catch on fire? Or is it like people who attract lightening, if you’re out at the wrong time, you’re a target? Too bad experimenting this hypothesis further isn’t “ethical” – this comment is a joke. I’m starting the realize my jokes aren’t funny just more so morbid. An entertaining notion none-of-the-less.
3/5/2019 Last week I found myself back on Tinder. This time around, I wasn’t curious to find anyone, male or female – at one point I managed to mess up the settings to say I’m a male looking for a female – but just bored out of my mind. Don’t worry, the person I’ve been with knows I’ve been on the app trying to get entertaining content. I became curious about what was the best way to get the most entertaining responses, ideal photos, and how to tell where a conversation is going in about 5 exchanges. I’ll also admit, I was very curious to see what the women side was like as a female myself.
If I were a female looking for another female on Tinder I would end up perusing through mainly bisexual women, those looking to experiment, couples in need of a third partner, another female in search of potential friends, and some people who stated they had no idea what they wanted. I right swiped on some out of curiosity and let’s just say if I ended up swinging for the same team, I’d be very lonely. No one wanted to be my friend. Feelings were hurt.
Now that we got that out of the way, let’s digress on females interacting with males. I watched a Buzzfeed video a while back about some exclusive online dating website and the best photos to post. Individual. Friends. Travel. With animal companion – ideally dogs. The typical, “I have a life and am fairly attractive and enjoy hiking with a dog I’m obsessed with” profile. To me, when I see men with those profiles, my immediate thought is a regular college guy who needed a companion to always love and shower him with affection regardless of if he deserves it. Saying you like hiking and playing the guitar/ukulele does not make you “different”, it makes you a stereotype.
Keeping this Buzzfeed video in mind I posted two causal individual photos, a picture with a friend, a photo I took in Japan, and a dog licking my face to sum up “I love animals”. I’m actually allergic to dog saliva and dandruff, but they don’t need to know that. And the most important part, the description.
“Will make Spongebob references. I think I’m really funny, others will halfheartedly agree. Graduated engineer that hates math. Yes, I have a cat and draw the line at one. Not a gamer girl but will kick your ass in Mortal Kombat. Watched the Bachelor once and was very uncomfortable.”
Rather than raunchy responses from my randomly selected group, I received many Spongebob GIFS and requests to beat me in Mortal Kombat. Usually within the first five messages it’s easy to tell where someone’s mind is at. Generally if the guy doesn’t ask many questions he’s not interested and probably is more enticed with other options. That’s just my two cents.
Will write more if interesting conversations occur.