*According to CoSchedule my titles suck and lack searchable keywords. Sure I have the time to come up with 10 different titles, but it comes down to the zero fucks I now give.

The summer before my Junior year in college I went on a roadtrip with 5 other people to the Grand Canyon. This road trip is a story of its own, but on this trip I met a guy… Oreo. I’m terrible at nicknames, I know. Anyways, I was at first intimidated by how attractive I found him. Tall, with dark brown hair and the whitest teeth I’ve ever seen. Oreo and I were constantly talking and flirting and by the end of the trip we had kissed on a lake in Colorado. The lake was crystal clear, hazily reflecting the otherwise cloudless blue sky. Honestly one of the most romantic destinations I’ve been to. By the end we decided to continue talking while we went back to school. He went to the University of Michigan and I went to THE Ohio State University, rivaling schools.

One weekend I decided to go up and visit him in Ann Arbor. I bought the cheapest Greyhound out, packed up and left at 4 in the morning. By the time I arrived, I had the chance to nap a bit on the 6 hour journey bus ride. Now Oreo had a nice apartment complex. Right on the edge of campus stood his building and residents got to have FREE coffee AND hot chocolate. Right there. In the lobby. Free drinks. Oh and a pool outside. Meanwhile my apartment complex had a radiator that leaked carbon monoxide. I decided to combine the hot chocolate and coffee to keep me awake and waited for Oreo to finish the rest of his classes that day. I promise this part is pertinent to the story.

At night we set out to explore some of the restaurants and after dinner opted for ice cream. I was quite content at this point and we laid out on the lawn to talk. The stars were out and the night was warm as autumn had yet to approach. Oreo had just finished telling me a heart wrenching story about his friend passing away when it happened. The pain was unbearable. I immediately collapsed to the ground. I felt a stabbing sensation in my lower intestines that persisted a good 30 seconds until it was gone. Panting slightly, I got up.

That was either my intestines or a period cramp. Several years ago I had experienced a similar situation except I was on the floor sobbing from the pain. Turns out it was the worst period cramp I’ve had the misfortune to experience. My parents were about to rush me to the hospital assuming I had appendicitis. I blame them for my hypochondria.

Panic rising, I insisted we head back to his apartment. After collapsing in pain 3 more times I knew what the cause was. I guess now is the time to mention I am lactose intolerant. On rare occasions I will be fine having a surplus of dairy, but most of the time I find myself running to the nearest restroom. The laxative effect of the coffee, milk from the hot chocolate and ice cream had hit me all at once.

Our pace quickened. By this time most of campus was closed for the weekend as we attempted to go in several different buildings. Oreo tried swiping his student ID in various buildings for access and to no prevail we were stranded.

“If you really need to go, you can go in the bushes!” Oreo exclaimed dramatically pointing at the bushes surrounding one of the buildings.

“ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! KEEP WALKING AND GO FIND A BUILDING!” I was covered in sweat, clenching desperately.  At this point I couldn’t remain calm as I realized the bushes may be my only hope. Oreo walked ahead of me. Whether out of fear or disgust, who knows.

“Look, there’s my apartment, we’re almost there.”

I glanced around knowing I had no time left. As if God himself was watching my struggles, a nearby church had its doors open. Guests in long gowns were entering a large ballroom as I sprinted past. I ran up to two women in charge of the sign in and demanded to know where the nearest bathroom was. Stunned, they pointed me downstairs and I was gone.

Now I won’t go into explicit detail about what happened next. However, I can say that I truly believed I was on the precipice of death. Not once in my life have I ever been so dehydrated. From the toilet, I weakly reached out to the sink to drink water from my hands. A solid ten minutes of this near death experience and three flushes later, I was done.

I couldn’t look Oreo in the eyes afterwards. I walked away to call my close friend who ended up fucking laughing at me on the phone. Here I am traumatized, scarred a guy I really liked and in my time of need I reached out to my closest friend only to get an earful of laughter. The rest of the way back to his apartment was a rather silent affair. Three weeks later we broke things off.

We ended our “thing” for other reasons, but there is a small part of me that wanted ask, “Is it because I almost shit my pants?” A year later, we were still friends when I came back to Ann Arbor to visit Oreo. We walked by the church I defiled and he thoughtfully reminded me of the incident. Expecting him to laugh I looked over to see his face, he felt the shame too. This following trip I did manage to ruin another church bathroom by puking up Vodka. Another story for another time.

Muck Fichigan.